Self-Diagnosis

I have a penchant for writing intellectual articles with thick, academic language - even though I despise that practice myself. These articles are partly referenced, if at all, and revolve around fundamental issues.

So why do I do this? I don't publish them. All I do is keep them in a desktop folder on my macbook. A few of the better ones make it onto my deconstruction blog. The explanations I find is simple: it is to assure myself that intellectual value is among my personal attributes. It relates to the desire to be recognised for this capacity, and the entailing social status accorded to such individuals.

It is further enhanced by the loss of formal education over the past two years. The JC is an institution that endows members with a certain special status based on the premise of their academic intellect. The episodic compromise of intellect brought about by chronic insomnia threatened not just my self worth, but also my social status as a JC student. I never reclaimed that title, and the latent desire was consciously repressed for a year in order to reduce my misery.

Since then, it has been a constant goal to assimilate back into the JC system - but that chance has gone. Also, having been disillusioned by its incompetence, apathy and commodification of students, that goal has since been tainted with a deep and sordid stain. I have thus been jettisoned from my world view of a proper social phase - that of a pre-university student - and need to reclaim the self-esteem lost back then before I can comfortably head to university without looking back.

Without looking back... that's probably the hardest part. The doubt, the fears, the scars and the anxieties must be removed before I am liberated. It is not a rational issue, explaining the problem doesn't solve it. It is an affective issue that requires an affective solution.

And when I want to celebrate, all my friends are busy elsewhere. Well done man. It's a cold and lonely world. Why am I still alive?