Residual Effects

I've been reading and studying, and not always liking it. Why do I read when the next few years will be full of it?

I think it's to make up for something lost. When I had to stop JC, it dealt a severe blow. I feared that I would lose that 'intellectual status', both in an academic and social sense. JC is over now, but the residual anxieties remain. I believe everything I write on one of my blogs, Deconstruction, is just an attempt to reaffirm my own capabilities.

Mind you, I can't restore the social status given to an intellectual. Only society can do that for me. Very few people read that blog, and no one ever leaves a note about the articles posted there. It's just a more intellectual version of this blog - a shouting box - for me to combat my own fears. This one, Soliloquy, is for existential and affective shadows that won't go away. Anxieties from possible cognitive breakdowns are fought in each post on Deconstruction.

Well, I wonder what my psychologist will have to say about these when we meet next week. It's our first appointment. I hope she'll be more constructive than the previous, deprecating one :)