Alprazolam 0.25, Clonazepam 0.5 - all just for tomorrow's moment, all this on top of the Lexapro, Remeron, Seroquel Sodium Valporate and a host of other drugs that make other doctors gasp.
Two years I've suffered hell to get here. It must be worth it. Tomorrow I'll be packing a few special items into my bag.
1. My black belt, a symbol of years of hard work and the friends made along the way. A home of sorts, with people, not places.
2. My first Joy Riders jersey - the club where I've begun to make new friends and forge a new away from the horrors of the past. Where for the first time in many years, I've made heads turn and gained status.
4. A black Chinese seal that my team made during our lovely economics trip to China. For new friends in new places, laughing through many joys together.
5. Hayley Westenra's album "Pure" - the album that made me a fan of hers. Hayley's music always cuts through the gloom no matter what they were or how many times I've heard the same songs.
6. A cloud list of names of friends and people who have been special in my life. Xue Wen's will be at the center.
7. (I wish I had some token of affection or consolation from Xue Wen to keep with me)
8. The University of Melbourne 2010 prospectus, where I can meet old friends and make new ones with a fresh start. My dream, my destination, my hope.
9. The book "The Story of Philosophy" by Bryan Magee. It started me on my intellectual journey and has been a constant academic companion ever since.
10. A blank note with a black gash saying "This is what I've been through" - because nothing can describe the pain of nothingness for so long.
11. My Othello script. We put up this play in 2007 for the NYJC Drama Night. I played Iago, and people loved me for it. Henceforth, Iago became my pseudonym.
12. My Peircean Voices choir tie and T-shirt. There, I found a greater purpose for my leadership skills. I've rarely found the same meaning ever since then.
13. The 'A'-grade history essays in my first year that made me so proud of myself :)
14. I'll wear my Suunto T3c heart rate monitor on my wrist. Its logs show how hard i've tried to sail away from the past and into a brighter future.
15. My first Victorinox, because I love the outdoors and think that Richard Dean Anderson (in McGyver and Stargate SG-1) is so cool!
On my laptop, there is a folder labelled "Writings" and a locked subfolder called "File X". It has things I've always wanted to say to her but never did, because I didn't want to lose her. The authentication code is 24-12-08. In fact, everything about me is in what I write.
This blog chronicles my weary days. My other blogs are:
a) http://ben--low.blogspot.com [for optimism and possibilities]
b) http://de-con-struc-tion.blogspot.com [as an approximate intellectual record]
c) http://picturesque-pedale.blogspot.com [for pictures taken from the saddle]
I write all this because it could be the last thing I ever write again. It is a suicide note if suicide becomes... necessary. I am not contented with second-best. I loathe it. There's no point in life if all one can see ahead is misery. You could say it's a mid-life crisis - I don't know where I'm going, where meaning lies or how it's created. I just hold on to what I have and lead a hedonistic life, because that's a panacea for all things dark.
I suppose that's enough. No one can understand what I've been through. It's better this way. No one should have to go through what I've been through. I love my friends.
That's it.
15. My first Victorinox, because I love the outdoors and think that Richard Dean Anderson (in McGyver and Stargate SG-1) is so cool!
On my laptop, there is a folder labelled "Writings" and a locked subfolder called "File X". It has things I've always wanted to say to her but never did, because I didn't want to lose her. The authentication code is 24-12-08. In fact, everything about me is in what I write.
This blog chronicles my weary days. My other blogs are:
a) http://ben--low.blogspot.com [for optimism and possibilities]
b) http://de-con-struc-tion.blogspot.com [as an approximate intellectual record]
c) http://picturesque-pedale.blogspot.com [for pictures taken from the saddle]
I write all this because it could be the last thing I ever write again. It is a suicide note if suicide becomes... necessary. I am not contented with second-best. I loathe it. There's no point in life if all one can see ahead is misery. You could say it's a mid-life crisis - I don't know where I'm going, where meaning lies or how it's created. I just hold on to what I have and lead a hedonistic life, because that's a panacea for all things dark.
Hayley once sang:
"But you are still so young with so many years to come.
You have too many cares."
I suppose that's enough. No one can understand what I've been through. It's better this way. No one should have to go through what I've been through. I love my friends.
That's it.
0 comments:
Post a Comment
Whisper