Existential Entrapment

I need to break free! Aggressively!

Out of the Ghost's reach

Out of isolation

Out of the Past

Out of myself

Out of everything else!

Was that sense of reprieve and progress completely illusory? No hope was to be found in work, no lasting friendships forged, not great learning points. No joy was found with the Joy Riders - everyone said 'hi' and 'bye' as if it meant nothing! NOTHING!

To hold on to: nothing! What good is money when it can't get me the things I want? I need? Society, company, prospects, status! No internships, no scholarships - NOTHING!

I don't find any kindred spirits in Karate. I hate cycling alone. I hate my nonexistent cycling coach. What the hell am I doing here? Waiting? For the 'A's to come and pronounce my sentence. What if- what if it doesn't get me somewhere? What then? Then there will be no tomorrow - nothing left to live for, no life to hope for.

A disgusting existence. Trapped in the shadow of the past, never free from its Ghost. Always living in fear of this insubstantial being. Boredom boredom boredom! I read the magazines, I read the novels, but they always come to an end and I'm left exactly where I started - in the grasp of the Ghost's shadow. Better thou hast never been born than face this wretched life!

How do I escape? How do I get out? Do I find respect and status and love again? How hOw HOW???