5th February 2010

It was another panic attack. My hands grew cold and it spread towards my chest. I needed to hold onto something. Then my eyes grew wider in fear before the same, haunting memories all came back again. I broke. In fear, in tears, in terror - I was so lonely.

I called Eric. He couldn't make out what I was saying. I called him before the tears came because I wanted to rest, to regain a sense of calm. But when the memories came, the floodgates could not hold. I gasped once, twice, then the grief took over. I cried and cried, wishing he'd say something right. It was so painful... But he couldn't hear me, and the chill grew stronger. He wouldn't know how it feels like to be robbed as I had. No one can; it is beyond imagination, beyond Verstehen. I've never found the words to describe those two long years of isolation and entrapment. Perhaps that is why no one understands.

I told him I needed her, Xue Wen, because she has become my source of strength. No matter how hard things got, I would always feel better when she called, when she came to visit me. Her smile, her laugh, the sparkle in her eyes all enchanted me, but more so because she came. She cared enough to. Then there was that one time I held her hand. Her soft, firm grasp gave me the courage to face the the days ahead. Silly as I was, I let go before she did. Since then, I've always wanted to hold her hand again.

Eric called Xue Wen and told her what happened on the said day. She called me and said she'd come. I waited at the train station. Half an hour, an hour, two - I thought I saw her among the crowd. I dashed and chased, I searched with a frantic haste, but I didn't see her there. Then she called. She was right outside my place. We sat on a bench. I led her to the same side but she sat across instead. I understand.

We talked. I felt that she really cared, but she would always turn the discussion away from her. She subtly draws the line between us, the line that discourages all notions of romance. Yet she's so beautiful. I've never met someone who could talk like she does, someone who engages me in conversation. She's so kind, so gentle, patient and loving. She's such a precious dear and I cherish her very much.

We listened to some songs and sang a few we used to sing together in the choir. We played with Marco my retriever, cracked a few jokes and whiled the time away. We had prata for dinner. I passed her the music box that had been lying in my room since December '09, just waiting for the right time. There was a folded note inside. As it unfolds, it reads "I" "Cherish" "You". When the paper is laid flat out, she can see the little flowers and snowflakes I made with colored pencils, made with loving hands just for her. And as she left in a cab...

Bl: "On the side, it means 'through adversity to the stars' :) "
Xw: "Oh my gosh.. I love it! Thank you :) Oh and the question, are you feeling better?"
Xw: "I cherish you too"
Bl: "Yes, I always feel better and braver after I've spent time with you. I can't find the right words. You're.. precious to me"
Xw: "Thanks. But remember this, even if you're alone, you'll be brave too because you know there're people who truly care about you. You're my treasured friend."
Bl: "I understand :)"
Xw: " :) You should be sleeping soon since you're having an early day tomorrow. Do take care and have enough rest. I'll emphasize this again, you're no burden to me. I forbid you from thinking that way."
Bl: "Yes ma'm! (sry if I've accidentally made you sound too old :P ) And as for you young lady, drop the notes I know you're holding. Turn the spindle for a lullaby :)"
Xw: "Haha, that was spooky. I'm really studying. Just a bit more and I'll turn in :) Good night :)"
Bl: "I'm psychic :P Sleep tight! :)"
Xw: "Yup, you too psychic! :)"

She sent me a message again this morning asking how I was. For sure, her care is genuine but her words... why does it always feel like a chess game? Why do I always find that she sends these signals asking me to keep away. It's as if she wants to keep me away unless I direly need her. But I always do.

"You've become central to my recovery"
"Hahas! Central. Makes me think of cells you know? The nuclei at the centre"

Perhaps... it's unavoidable...

"The moon is a literary device used to capture nostalgic or poignant sentiments"
"No, the moon is a sphere in elliptical centrifugal orbit around the earth"

But when we sang those nostalgic lines, there was nothing else that needed to be said. I wanted to hold her so much, to tell her she's special to me.

I still do...