Dismay

What was I looking for after my 'A' levels? I think it was freedom. More than that, it was what I could do with it. Meet up with friends and catch up over coffee, join a new club and make new friends. Get a job - get paid while I learn, and make my mark.

None of that has happened. I'm not connecting with friends at a deeper level; I feel like I can never tell them how I truly feel. The distance is very disheartening, to think that I've made it through my ordeal but no one is there to share it with me.

I'm still unemployed, but I want the money. With all my medication and the $400 a month I spend on it, I feel guilty asking my parents for more money. More money to continue my piano lessons, more money to pay for my cycling jersey, more money to buy a road bicycle - the pride of owning the fruits of my labour. But my labour is unsolicited and the emptiness dismays. To assuage my wounded feelings of inadequacy I spend more money - on food, onbooks, PSP games, on things to take my mind off life. And my bank account falls below the minimum amount, the same account I expected to bourgeon with new wages.

Friendship, status, respect, recognition, wealth and love. Must I bear with this intense loneliness again?

XW, ms cricket, I wish we were more than friends. I need you to help me up, help me regain my strength, help me heal the festering wounds with your loving grace.

At least I'm not drinking anymore.