I'm too tired of this. I can't take it anymore. I tell myself that the 3-4 hours I spend every night watching Stargate or playing Facebook games is justified because I've been working so diligently in the day. What a lie.
The truth is bleaker: my studies are a filler between waking up and going online when darkness falls. I hate studying this way. I hate not having classmates around. I hate the way the chair I sit on for hours warms up and makes me feel so oppressed. I hate the way the sun beats down in the afternoon making it so drowsy and frustrating.
I hate this life. I know I have so much to read, so much to think about, so much to analyse and memorise before THE 'A' levels, that single exam which decides whether the stressful and turgid life all JC students suffer has been worth the fight. In my case, it will also decide if all the pain and pills and the irremovable scars are signs of veteran distinction - a testament of my mettle - or a long gash that I will always see in the fading whites of my eyes.
I grow fat because the medication makes me eat and retain so much weight. I can't exercise much because of a bad foot. The disgusting innards of my drug-dowsed mind take on a new form, and I hate it. I hate this, all of this, I want out. Why do I have to fight anyway? Why DID I have to fight so hard....
I don't want to read anymore, I don't want to write anymore, I don't want to deceive myself anymore. I wish I could let it all out, cry it all out, because I don't have the energy to smash it out anymore. That option was expended last year. All that's left is an insipid, lack-lustre hollow of my previous dynamism. I don't want to live this way.
Someone give me an answer, because the drugs aren't talking to me anymore. I want out. For the first time in months, I actually want to die.
Wednesday, August 19, 2009
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1 comments:
The fact is that you have no courage to die. If you really want to die, there is no need to ask for help. I am sure you can do it all by yourself. In reality, you are gut-less and ball-less.... Or is it really? Perhaps, deep down inside you know there is a reason for living, for existance, etc; except that you are not seeing it... yet. You need to mediate and look within - if there is no reason to die, then the journey is to find the reason to live. The wise man would live, and create the reason for existance and living for himself... simply because nobody give a shit whether you are alive or dead. In fact, given the way you are living now, you are better off dead. Especially when you are of any good use to anyone or organisation... Think, and just go and die (and make the world a better place, for the rest who have reasons to live).
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