Oh yes, I'm determined to stay this happy as often as I can, even if it costs me money or even a few marks. You see, I've started reading Prozac Nation and find the story of a young, depressed and psychiatrically-drugged child - my story - growing up. Certain lines spoke out to me:
Phrase 1
"Happiness is an ongoing battle... I'll have to fight for as long as I live. I wonder if it's worth it."
Phrase 2
"Life was one long distraction from the inevitable... We're all going to die sooner or later, so what does it matter. That was my motto."
The most obvious insight is that this girl is more dead than dead could be. She is a zombie overwhelmed by her circumstances and, in the memoir, cutting and drugging herself on top of all her meds - not that she takes them all.
Phrase 1 depicts happiness as a fight - why!? Sure, life has a lot of competition, stress, anxiety and uncertainty, but that in-itself does not entail misery. There are existential balancers - friends, hobbies, loved ones and lovers - a rainbow painted as an equipoise. Of course, her condition is worse than mine, but I do hope she can one day muster the strength to be friends with her friends, to give love a chance. She notes that "I need love". My friends responded when I reached out to them - some harshly, others with loving tenderness. In that sense, I don't just fight for happiness, happiness also fights to get to me in the form my friends' waiting hands and open hearts.
Just hang out, eat, chat, play together and smile. Remember that a smile together is as good as a laugh alone - but you're not alone.
Phrase 2 is a fatalist stance, surrendering to the inevitable shroud of death. Well, if I don't have the religious courage to commit suicide, mortal life can either be a long, flat cloud or a sunny blue sky dotted with fluffy blue clouds - and the occasional bird twittering past. Yes, I like bird-watching, but that's besides the point. To be honest, I see the point in death: for people like us, death is the rational course. However, if I don't die, I'd damn myself to a living hell if I'd live in misery. This is why we need meaningful and enjoyable activity - careers, sports, music, reading, anything - to counter-balance the challenge of living.
What does it matter? It matters to me, that's why I fight for it, and I'll show my friends that their care has not been in vain. A hug, a handshake, true smiles exchanged. I love my friends and although some of them have hurt me before, I still need them.
Why was this post titled Immediate Resonance? Simple. It's because today's blithe outing had a simple joy that connected with me. My pals weren't free, but that's ok too. My long walks still took on their characteristic stride but with some sushi and soup in-between, the warm sun and cool malls were positively enjoyable. I brought back one CD, but that makes me very happy. I came home and listened to the music and headed off for piano - a simple day never felt so wonderful.
Prozac Nation also resonated with me from the very first paragraph, but it was a repulsive resonance. I was able to comprehend the protagonist's struggles and their parallels with mine. Her situation is graver than mine and I honor her feelings, but I feel that God - despite my agnosticism - has been kind to me and it's time I stop looking at the floor and up at the horizon.
I look to my left and see my buddies.
To the right, I see my female friends.
They are my comrades and my refuge.
I look behind and see my parents trying their best to hide my scars.
I look forward and feel the staff of effort in my hand, the canteen on my belt, the boots under my feet and I know that this is the time of my life.
I begin walking beside the rainbow, following it's colors to a special place beyond time and space to present dreams. This day is the present.
Phrase 1
"Happiness is an ongoing battle... I'll have to fight for as long as I live. I wonder if it's worth it."
Phrase 2
"Life was one long distraction from the inevitable... We're all going to die sooner or later, so what does it matter. That was my motto."
The most obvious insight is that this girl is more dead than dead could be. She is a zombie overwhelmed by her circumstances and, in the memoir, cutting and drugging herself on top of all her meds - not that she takes them all.
Phrase 1 depicts happiness as a fight - why!? Sure, life has a lot of competition, stress, anxiety and uncertainty, but that in-itself does not entail misery. There are existential balancers - friends, hobbies, loved ones and lovers - a rainbow painted as an equipoise. Of course, her condition is worse than mine, but I do hope she can one day muster the strength to be friends with her friends, to give love a chance. She notes that "I need love". My friends responded when I reached out to them - some harshly, others with loving tenderness. In that sense, I don't just fight for happiness, happiness also fights to get to me in the form my friends' waiting hands and open hearts.
Just hang out, eat, chat, play together and smile. Remember that a smile together is as good as a laugh alone - but you're not alone.
Phrase 2 is a fatalist stance, surrendering to the inevitable shroud of death. Well, if I don't have the religious courage to commit suicide, mortal life can either be a long, flat cloud or a sunny blue sky dotted with fluffy blue clouds - and the occasional bird twittering past. Yes, I like bird-watching, but that's besides the point. To be honest, I see the point in death: for people like us, death is the rational course. However, if I don't die, I'd damn myself to a living hell if I'd live in misery. This is why we need meaningful and enjoyable activity - careers, sports, music, reading, anything - to counter-balance the challenge of living.
What does it matter? It matters to me, that's why I fight for it, and I'll show my friends that their care has not been in vain. A hug, a handshake, true smiles exchanged. I love my friends and although some of them have hurt me before, I still need them.
Why was this post titled Immediate Resonance? Simple. It's because today's blithe outing had a simple joy that connected with me. My pals weren't free, but that's ok too. My long walks still took on their characteristic stride but with some sushi and soup in-between, the warm sun and cool malls were positively enjoyable. I brought back one CD, but that makes me very happy. I came home and listened to the music and headed off for piano - a simple day never felt so wonderful.
Prozac Nation also resonated with me from the very first paragraph, but it was a repulsive resonance. I was able to comprehend the protagonist's struggles and their parallels with mine. Her situation is graver than mine and I honor her feelings, but I feel that God - despite my agnosticism - has been kind to me and it's time I stop looking at the floor and up at the horizon.
I look to my left and see my buddies.
To the right, I see my female friends.
They are my comrades and my refuge.
I look behind and see my parents trying their best to hide my scars.
I look forward and feel the staff of effort in my hand, the canteen on my belt, the boots under my feet and I know that this is the time of my life.
I begin walking beside the rainbow, following it's colors to a special place beyond time and space to present dreams. This day is the present.
0 comments:
Post a Comment
Whisper