Fate's Cruel Irony

My history essays straddled the borders between a B and C, but the unseen section pulled me down. Literature was a disoriented mess, and economics was a total farce. Yet I told my psychologist that everything was dandy, and I believed that they were until the truth of the matter was apparent.

It proved one point: I have lied so well that the lines between fiction and reality have vanished. It took me forever to calculate my marks, and I bore the impression that I had regained by pre-Condition standing. That was so wrong. I've cancelled tomorrow's consultation, preferring to shy away from it again. It's for my protection actually, I don't want to have my essay and fragile mind dissected and shredded by my teacher any more than it already is.

My next appointment with my psychologist is in 3 weeks. Today's was squandered by me delusion. I don't know how to cope with the news about my lit paper. I really wish, most ardently, that I can stop fighting here and now - a protracted war is so debilitating. So what if my grades don;t fall short of others who've been attending lessons? It reflects badly on them but gives me no credit. I did not endure so much to achieve so little.

My shrink said I should give myself a pat on the back, considering how far I've come. She applauds my tenacity and diligence, but I'm my indifference speaks volumes about my resignation. I've stopped swimming, now I'm just doing my best to float on the fickle currents that buoy me to and fro to nowhere.  As usual, I'll pretend (convincingly) that the ills never happened - the marks for my history essays will become synonymous with the mid-years, even though they're not.

I wish I rest my head and hurt somewhere, maybe with someone, maybe with anyone. My parents have no faith in me, accepting the m-e-d-i-o-c-r-i-t-y spelt by my grades. No one tells me I can do better than I have done, but I need that. I need someone to have faith in me, because I have so little faith in myself. Help me, please, dear reader. I need a friend, a lover, someone dependable... because I can't depend on myself.

It's too cold alone...
Help...
Help...