Entrapment

I feel trapped.

"Keep the future in its place" I said, but I am hard pressed to follow. I don't need some critical social theory to make me aware of the social forces that coerce me into following certain paths. It's not just academic pressure, or the implications it has on social status and access to a varsity education. My grades now will affect future employment and this, too, puts on the pressure.

My illness, or Condition, isn't helping. My social circle continues to shrink as circumstances compel me to pull out social engagements for practical reasons. Academically insecure and socially isolated, I can't help but feel as if I'm trapped in a prison of circumstances. But this island traps me too. The heat, the incessant construction noise, the hustle and bustle of life and the dead look in everyone's weary eyes all point me towards my own despair. With my foot problem, I can't even vent my frustration through physical activity. How frustrating.

"So you're an 'A' level student?"

"Yes"

"Which JC?"

"Nanyang JC"

"Oohhh!"

The declaring my student identity and the 'oh' of recognition it elicited was gratifying. Physiotherapy was more therapeutic in the psychological arena rather than the podiatric. Then my exam papers were returned. Othello was 1 mark short of a 'B', poetry was a mess. I was too agitated during these 2 papers and subsequent sittings were better thanks to my trusty 3-month-old MP4 - which recently failed on me (that had a depressive effect; I can't spend so much so soon).

I want to buy some happiness. I want to buy new sai to supplement my training. I want to import my favourite singer's albums from the US. I bought nice new clothes but have no occasion to wear them. I want to buy an iPod so that the songs I rip onto my macbook will play. I want to buy some Kahlua and mix it with Meiji milk. I want to buy a bottle of Absolut and mix it with apple juice. I want to buy a fancy new slide handphone with fancy features that will make me smile. I want to buy Romance volume 2 & 3 to keep my romantic side alive in these despondent times.I want to do all this - and maybe more - but I don't have the money to. Nor will I ask anyone for it.

One item only, I must choose. A restriction - self-imposed - to assuage a guilt that accuses me of not deserving anything, because my high academic aims (where did I get them?) are too lofty for reality. Life is in shambles. I reiterate my constant wish: "to die, to sleep - no more".

'Tis not nobler to to take up arms against an endless sea of struggles; he robs himself that spends a bootless grief. But yet conscience makes cowards of us all. If only I had Nietzschean notions of divine morality.