This blog is a crutch, a place whose very existence encourages a crutch mentality. Today, I freaked about an essay's mediocrity and wanted to run away, either to this blog or to my appointment at IMH. I did neither, only shut off all thoughts and rewrote the whole damn essay and even though it isn't very good, I am proud of my effort.
Those feelings of doubt and vacillating moments where I stood tottering on the edge of despondence are not unlike the feelings I have before a karate tournament. I just have to bite the bullet and go fight hard, although I am my toughest opponent. My previous boycott of this blog had failed, but now I'm quite through with this putrid confessional.
Doubts came to me throughout the day and though I am aware that I had been lying to myself about many things, I know that I'll have to do my best. The future? That's beyond me right now and I've little idea how I'll fare, but as I told someone before, "keep the future in its place".
Today, I've understood the global economic crises of the '70s and '80s, apportioning praise and blame according to the causes and consequences of events. When I look back upon my JC days, I do not want to blame myself. I consider my own mediocrity a sin, but wasting in sloth is by far the worser evil.
Ous.
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