Momentum

Or more precisely, inertia. Things had been going well last week, due in great part to the sudden efficacy of my medication. The general state of affairs and bears a strong correlation with these drugs, with all the entailing effects on my mood. Last week was a lovely case of industrious joy - studying hard, studying well, and making up the next day with the blessings of the previous.

Not so this week. I couldn't sleep on Sunday night, nor on Monday, but a little on Tuesday. I've found that it's most productive to study at home when I've had a less-than-perfect slumber, hence my absence for the greater part of the week. Tomorrow, I should be returning to school... yet the inertia weighs heavily on my will and I shy away - timidly - from the prospect.

I can study economics at home, but history and literature require my physical presence. The blanks in the history notes need to be filled during lecture, and this method has yielded positive results which I wouldn't want to compromise. As for literature, we're taught face-to-face with minimal notes per se, and what you have is what you get from each lesson - and not all the tutors are competent. For a perennial absentee like me, such an approach is disastrous... yet I struggle to find a better way.

My KI has been sorely neglected - I have no idea what to study and even if I did, I have no idea where to get the relevant material. A single 2-hour session thrice a month isn't getting me very far, but that's the best I can apparently get. I can't even handle GP essays now.

I hate my college for letting me down this way.

I hate it so much I want to run away from it, from everything. I cannot see far into my future, I cannot see that shining beacon of hope in this fog-clouded ocean where the corpses of murdered dreams rot, filling the air with a thick, nauseating miasma.

I don't want to sink.