Failure

My Windows Live Space is insufficient now. I have things I want to say, feelings that demand expression, but not publicly. I won’t have my sentiments cheapened by shouting them to the whole world. No, I’ll just whisper them here to people like you, people who really care, people I can trust, people who colour my life and memories.

I sat for my driving test today. I was drowsy, I hit the kerb on reverse, and after that I tuned out of everything. Demoralised, I stopped caring about safety checks and everything I failed.

I’ve been failing every test since February 2008. I’ve been working hard and failing. I know what is wrong, I know what is lacking, but I don’t know how to correct it – nor do the doctors – so I trudge along wearing a smile, walking with euphemistic composure. Euphemisms are still lies and I’ve become pretty good at them. “I am not what I am”

Right now, I’m supposed to be studying. I told myself I’d consolidate my notes and work on my thesis, capitalising on the yesterday’s industrious momentum. Then I failed my driving and got a heavy slap from reality. Every new failure reminds me of failures past, of futile efforts, of having fallen from some abstract grace. It is… disheartening.

Being with my friends and studying are the only two ‘real’ things that keep me going. Every now and then, I’d escape into an imaginary world – usually anime – and turn into a glutton while at it. I long for the confidence, eloquence and sense of purpose that defined me two years ago when I first began my JC life.

Let’s just leave it at that for now.